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19 September 2014

Unwanted Music: @JessieJ Feat. @ArianaGrande - "Bang Bang"

I have absolutely ZERO respect for this bullshit release. Let me tell you why. Jessie J and Ariana just used thee entire fuck out of Onika. They rode her coattails to ensure this single was a success then dropped this tacky ass rapless version with not even a true bridge, just them screaming back and forth over the looped chorus. Who exactly are we appeasing with this change? "Bang Bang"  was without a doubt a track with crossover appeal that went platinum in no time and remains at the top of the charts. Which brings me back full circle. Stay with me.

Jessie J is no Adele. She may have some platinum singles under her belt but she has yet to make an impact on U.S. charts. And we all know Ariana can't chart to save her life. She can't sell any singles that don't feature another artist and those barely sell. Take for instance that VMA's performance. Onika stole the show, wardrobe malfunction and all, while Jessie J served us uncomfortable dancing and Ariana served naked toddler playing dress up. I need to know who we're marketing this new trash ass version to? To be completely honest, Onika MAKES the song. If they were so pressed for a rapless version, the SMART move would've been to extend Onika an invitation for the remix. But then again their version as the original wouldn't have touched a chart. Every sane person is looking like

Listen below, around 1:50, if you have time to waste:

Natasha Marie

16 September 2014

Album Review: @ChrisBrown - "X" (Track By Track)

There's an age old adage wherein we discern whether or not we have the ability to separate an "artist" from his "art". Chris Brown has certainly fallen on that sword more times than we can count. There are those who are, so to speak, "rooting for the underdog". Likewise I'm sure many are relishing in the fact that many of his early releases failed to break the top 20 on any chart. However, despite this stigma I'm reviewing his album. All the "but Ray Rice..." nonsense can cease and desist. You don't have to read it and please don't tweet me no bullshit. Now that that is out of the way...Chris Brown has finally released his sixth studio album "X" and I can say that I am pleased with the final product. However I will also say this: there are far too many tracks on this bitch. 21 on the deluxe version like my nigga for why? I very nearly didn't review it due to his audacity to make me write about that many damn tracks. This gahtdamn album packed like a Mexican clown car. Clearly he has something to prove to me, you, himself, God. TBH I almost gave up on him even releasing this album with all his delays and run ins with the law. He is truly his own worst enemy. He refuses to be great. This nigga wanna be a convict sooo bad. As if the Rihanna fiasco wasn't enough to derail his career he just wants to keep playing Russian Roulette. Iono if it's because he's light skinned or because he's from Virginia or a compilation of both but I won't be surprised when he ends up like Mr. Garfield in 'One Eight Seven' (Figuratively so calm TF down). He's letting all his pent up homosexual energy cause an influx of testosterone resulting in this neanderthal ass behavior. Nobody has the time or patience for it. Well except maybe Karrueche but that's neither here nor there.

Check out this "track-by-track" review of "X":

1. X

I can make you a believer if I turn the nonsense down. Well look at God! Who knew that jail could make Chris see the light? I'm not even sure if at this point in time he could everrrrrrrrr make me a believer but here's to trying and here's to him giving his life to Christ. I think this was the perfect start to his album. Great title track. If you're only as good as the company you keep/Then I'ma blame you for what they say about me. Truer words were never spoken.

2. Add Me In

Bruh. He really just said Your body is an isosceles/And I just wanna try angles. Those kind of pick up lines are PRECISELY why the light skinned population will never prosper. What makes it worse is this entire track involves math and it's very clear to me that Chris has ne'er taken even a Special Ed math class. So per his request to "divide his lover’s legs and subtract her boyfriend to "add me in" I'm gonna go ahead and multiply that by 

3. Loyal (Feat. Lil Wayne and Tyga)

This track is my guilty pleasure. I know these lyrics ain't shit and Chris Brown and Lil Wayne ain't shit but I like it anyways. Sue me. Clearly you're saying "these hoes ain't loyal" but your fan base is comprised primarily of these quote, unquote "hoes" but what do I know? I mean let's throw logic out the window for a sec. When I'm out running and I'm like 3 miles in and ready to call it a wrap this is my power track. And that's all that matters. I don't have to walk for hours or hitchhike with some rapey ass Mexican to make it back to my apartment. The beat is banging, the video is sick, and although Lil Wayne's existence annoys me, I'm gonna continue to appreciate this track for a long ass time.

Just got rich/Took a broke nigga bitch/I can make a broke bitch rich/But ion fuck with broke bitches. LMFAO. The ratch in me LIIIIVES. Let me be great!

4. New Flame (Feat. Usher and Rick Ross)

This single came out EONS AGO but of course Nephew Thugnificent spent too much time doing time to make any impact with his singles. I plum forgot about this track. Besides when it first came out the radio obliterated any love that I had for this song. The thing about Tampa radio is they will stomp each and every song into the ground. Unless you're a flop, in which case they don't give you any spins at all. But that's none of my business least Chris and Usher aren't women bashing like that butt ass hurt "Loyal" track.

5. Songs On 12 Play (Feat. Trey Songz)

I like the track. I really do. I just feel like Chris and Trey paying homage to R. Kelly exudes far too much homosexuality for me to deal with at this current moment. They're singing about who reminds them of sex songs and I'm over here thinking they're talking about each other. 
Mmm hmm. I bet he is.

6. 101 (Interlude)

This is unnecessary. He's stuck in traffic.'s LA. There's ALWAYS traffic. Although a full version could've replaced "Drown In It".

7. Drown In It (Feat. R. Kelly

So not only do we do an ode to the Perv King but we do features with him too? Way to change your image. This crass ass musical about swimming in what kind of waters only God knows. How do you justify making a track with a misogynist who has a worse track record involving women, or GIRLS I should say, than yourself? The only waters you're currently drowning in is that of public scrutiny.

8. Came To Do (Feat. Akon)

The repetitive "came to do" killed me. This is definitely somewhere near the bottom for me. It's not terrible though. It's giving me "Loyal" tease sans hurt. I accept it. Nothing to write home about.

9. Stereotype

Riddle me this: how hurt do you have to be to have so many "He-Man Woman Hater" tracks? Like dawg...what does Rihanna possess in her pooswah?!? There's no way you talking about anybody else. You can speak in plural all day long but we all know the truth. Another question that plagues me dearly: why is it okay for you to call ANYONE a stereotype? I really don't wanna label you a sir...

10. Time For Love

The lyrics are simple. The beat is nice. And you can just vibe to it. Let me get in your comfort zone/Girl we can move together. Quite frankly there is nothing comforting to me about you being in my comfort zone. But that's just me. That's most definitely too close for comfort. I wouldn't want you to have any flashbacks and nvm...

11. Lady In A Glass Dress (Interlude)

Those falsettos are A1! Chris is offering to heal the hurt but I'm not sure that hurt people can help other hurt people. It's just a jumble of low self esteem and skewed views on life but perhaps he knows something that I don't. Alas, he said he can make your dreams come true. I mean he got Karrueche a verified check on twitter and various appearances because Lord knows otherwise we'd be like

12. Autumn Leaves (Feat. Kendrick Lamar)

And the saga of hurt continues but Kendrick hops his ass on the track more mad than hurt. I'm always here for a verse from Kendrick though. He may look like a hobo but he rap like he gaht muh-nayyy. And they won’t let me live/Even when it’s remorse that I give/When are they gon' rejoice and forgive/Tell me how [do] I stay positive? I felt every word. But Chris over there crooning sullenly to a soft guitar. LMFAO. It seems that all the autumn leaves are falling/I feel like you're the only reason for it. I know Rih Rih over there like 

13. Do Better (Feat. Brandy)

Brandy can do no wrong. Her raspy ass singing voice gives me EV-VERY-THING, you hear me?!? I was really upset when I heard that Chris was going to release the version that didn't have her on it. I know her publicity sometimes resembles a car crash but she can sing though and that's all that matters. It's about the art not about sales.
14. See You Around

At this point I'm just gonna think he's talking about somebody else. There's no way that he is so blatantly pining after Rihanna when he has Karrueche dumbly answering to his every beck and call. This track is definitelty a different sound for him, very folksy. This is a welcomed change. I do know one thing he need to stop singing through the hurt. Talmbout "I should have loved you way more." No my nigga. Love shouldn't hurt. 

15. Don’t Be Gone Too Long (Feat. Ariana Grande)

This track didn't really give me much and that was surprising. Both Ariana and Chris are vocal beasts and I expected so much more. Queen Ariana always sleighs my soul so I definitely got the sads. He's giving me "Jhene Aiko spoken word" tease and Ariana is barely there. The adlibs were amazing though. The video they dropped yesterday though...not really sure why, what with the current race relations, we thought it was okay to have a black man thrown in jail for fraternizing with a white chick. Like bish wheeetttt?! Who came up with the concept of this video? The Ferguson Police Department??? Not that Chris Brown knows anything about being appropriate but still...TBH I'm more concerned with Ari's well being. We all know she tends to get with anybody who she features with on a track like she for real be like 

and Chris isn't like them other dudes. better stay your hot ass far, far away from him.

16. Body Shots

I'm not sure why they put this song right here. It just seems out of place. I guess after all the sad songs he said FU*K IT! LET'S TURN UP! So now we're in Vegas doing body shots to EDM music. Cool.

17. Drunk Texting (Feat. Jhene Aiko)

I won't lie. This song is actually cute. Chris definitely decreased the quality of his vocals to match the subpar performance of Jhene yet he still overpowers her which is a shame. And whyyyy would you choose the Whisper Queen to duet with? I try so hard to hear her when she's singing but I just can't. She just be talking and talking and I be like BITCH SPEAK UP! I CAN'T TF HEAR YOU!!! Like WTF Jhene?!? This bitch over there in la la land for hippies smoking rainbows and call herself making music. I'm sick of her shit man.

18. Lost In Ya Love

Vocally he sleighs this song. He was lacking a lot of that on this album. Which is the only reason I'm going to accept this addition to this LONG ASS ALBUM. Bonus tracks have to be NECESSARY.
19. Love More (Feat. Nicki Minaj)

This track may not have done well on the charts but I really love this song! And no it's not because I'm fake gay for Onika...although if professing my love for bae makes a difference then I LOVE YOU ONIKA!!!

Aw! She loves me back! (Don't judge me...)
20. Don’t Think They Know (Feat. Aaliyah)

One of my favorite tracks for sure. I was always an Aaliyah fan. Her voice was beautiful and "One In A Million" was one of my first musical purchases independent of my parents. So, of course, I like the track because Aaliyah vibes like no other. That being truly boggles my mind that people keep making music with dead artists. Like who are you asking for approval for this shit? Not my good friend Jesus that's for sure. How do we know that Aaliyah would've wanted to make a track with your ass had she been alive. Who knows? Maybe she would've been a feminist and boycotted your woman beating ass. MAYBE. Why can't you just let these people rest in gahtdamn peace?!?

21. Fine China

I like to call this Breezy's "Suit and Tie". He's definitely channeling his inner Justin Timberlake in this song. Although he said that he was channeling Sam Cooke and Stevie Wonder. Whatever. Same shit. It was a different sound for him and I'm not about to go on and on about this old ass song. I don't know who he was channeling in that damn video though.

Though this album lacks a personal touch, it's easy on the ears if you disregard most of the lyrics. An all around good album, yet unnecessarily long AF. I can't recommend that you purchase it because I'm not involving myself in the politics surrounding supporting him. Do what you want. If you like good music and want to support the "artist" for his "art" and not concern yourself with his personal life then go get it. If you don't, well then that's his problem, not mine.

Natasha Marie

14 September 2014

Resurrected Music: @NICKIMINAJ - No Flex Zone (Remix)

I don't usually do this BUT it's Sunday so I'm going to ressurrect some music as The Lord and I see fit. I've been asked my opinion on "No Flex Zone (remix)"  on several different occasions and because I didn't review it people are assuming that I either a) didn't like it, or b) didn't think it worthy a review. That being said: ONIKA PUT HER GAHTDAMN FOOT IN THIS TRACK. DAWWWWWG. I can put this track on repeat and vibe for hours. No pun intended but it's ***FLAWLESS. I feel sorry for Rae Sremmurd (yes I had to google that shit) because Onika obliterated their very existence with no effort whatsoever. Their original version has been given the official seal of ineptitude by Natasha's Nook. They are henceforth and forevermore deemed irrelevant.

It really is. And this isn't me "fake stanning" for the doll. The bars in this freestyle alone speak to her growth as an artist. She's flexing TF out of her lyrical muscles and I'm here for every bit of it.

Running this game for 5 years/Guess that's why my feet hurt/Wonder when they bite me/Do these bitches' teeth hurt??/Yes I am an icon, that's me on your t-shirt/...THOUGHT YOU KNEEEEEWWW BET-TER/Do your fucking research

She got bars on bars on bars! Listen to the track below and bask in the undeniable ambiance that is our SLAYvior, the Supreme Rap Ruler of all the Light Touches:

Natasha Marie

12 September 2014

Oui Oui! @Beyonce Et @NICKIMINAJ À Paris? ***Flawless

EMPRESS ONIKA and KING BEY. WTF?!? They CLEARLY don't care about my livelihood. Why else would they deem it acceptable to traipse their asses upon a stage TOGETHER and sleigh so hard my ancestors got chills?!? Hell, I felt the intensity of that performance deep within the depths of my unoccupied womb. I try sooo hard not to stan for these women yet I can't help but recognize this unprecedented greatness as history unfolds before us. I need something to calm my nerves. Onika and Bey got me like

I shall be telling this with a sigh, somewhere ages and ages hence: two bad bitches diverged on a stage, and I, I got my edges snatched, and nothing was ever the same...

Natasha Marie

Unwanted Music: @LilKim - The Hardcore Mixtape

Kimberly, Kimberly, Kimberly. I can fully understand why you dropped The Hardcore Mixtape on 9/11. This is certainly a tragic day in American history. Hip hop mourns the death of your career. I wanted soooo badly for you to succeed. I thought if there was ever an artist gully enough to come back from the deep abyss that is irrelevancy, it was you. But no sir you did not redeem yourself. In fact, my good man, you did the polar opposite. This trash bag of a mixtape is borderline criminal. The only bars you deserve to see are in a jailhouse. I hope they lock you up in Ms. Trunchbull's chokey and throw TF away the key. You wanna know why I'm really mad? Because we CLEARLY wanted this more for you than you wanted it for yourself. You took your geriatric ass into the studio and dismantled the hopes and dreams of all 7 Lil Kim stans, verse by verse. And although it pains me to do so I'm gonna go through every track and tell you where, when, how, and why you were dead TF ass wrong.

1. Intro

You thought the way to reintroduce yourself to the public...was by having some perverts...reminiscing on how fat your vagina was back in the day...

2. Stadium Music (Feat. Yo Gotti)

I can't name one Yo Gotti song and this track will be no exception. That was your first mistake. Well, second. Your first was darkening the doorway of ANYBODY's studio to make this atrocious floppy disc. God tried to save you. He crashed your site with ne'er a download and yet you went against His Will and released it anyways. You seriously think 1 million people were simultaneously checking for you? Let that marinate. That's why He smited you. Then you call yourself the "Black Khardashian". GWORL. The disrespect. Knowing you over there looking like Bruce Jenner.

3. Identity Theft

I reviewed this childish ass monstrosity when she first released it so my thoughts are here [review].

4. Real Sick (Feat. Jadakiss)

Jadakiss hasn't been relevant since before I could talk. He shouts out The Lox...enough said. Kimberly, riddle me this: did you read AT ALL in prison? And I'm not talking about Dr. Suess or coloring books. Did you real life devour any sort of literature?!? I don't understand why your flow is stuck in the 90s. And it's not even the type of music that makes you nostalgic for the good ol' days. It's that bullshit when you look at old pictures and think WTF was I wearing?!? So tell me Kim. What are you wearing? Besides disgrace and humiliation?

5. Trendsetter

Yes. You are trending. The sheer force of your failure is shining so brightly even Jesus himself is blinded by it. I don't know if this is autotune or you were inspired by Future's crying but I've had enough.

6. MIGO (Feat. TLZ and Young Bonds)

WHOTF ARE THESE GENTLEMEN?!? No. Just no. Return these fools to the projects post haste. Please tell me you paid them in trident layers. But be that as it may I'm gonna need for you to go getcho gum back. Right now dammit. And whyyyy is dude pigeon squawking in the chorus? I. AM. IN. TEARS. You've outdone yourself Kimmy. Just when I thought you couldn't sink any lower the next track plays and I'm like 

7. Whenever You See (Feat. Cassidy)

Slow year huh, Cassidy? Am I missing something? Is Kim unawares that she is 123 years old? Like why does she think it's okay to make references to her wrinkly old vagina? And don't ruin classic songs with your vulgar nonsense. I didn't ask for this. Nor did  Lauryn or 50. Even YOUR STANS don't want you no more. Hell hath no fury like a stan scorned. I was reading your mentions like

8. Work The Pole

That was the longest 1:56 of my life. I'm appalled that you think I want to envision you *gags* MA'AM. YOU ARE ENTIRELY TOO OLD FOR THIS. You is rude. You is ignant. And you is trifling.

9. Suicide (Feat. French Montana)

This was probably the only track that didn't completely offend me and this was mostly due to French. Why would he even collab with you though? Somehow I envision this

10. Dead Gal Walking

*hangs head* I just...why are you doing this horrible ass accent? Are you even Caribbean? Have you no Caribbean friends that could've told you this was most certainly a resounding HELLLLLLL NO??? Fire your team.

11. Kimmie Blanco

If there was EVER a time for you to be told that you are not nor will you ever be notorious enough to be affiliated with Griselda Blanco that time is now. You went to prison for perjury, hun. Dassit. I'm sure you learned some invaluable skills in the pen but you're no mafia/cartel leader. Meanwhile this song probably has Griselda rolling around in her grave at your blatant audacity.

12. Haterz (Feat. B Ford)

Haterz/Man I can't stand me a muthafuckin hater/Mmm mmm mmm/Damn shame/Damn I got some haterz Oh thee EYE-RUH-KNEE. It seems to me you spend what's left of your career doing just that. Do us all a favor:

I've decided that this mixtape is a parody. And no one can convince me otherwise. I was entertained. You said forget my roots I'm gonna give you the many masks of Kim: ratchet ATL, non-reading slave, prison parolee, and dreadful island nonsense. No Brooklyn to be found. Welp you succeeded in one thing: convincing me your ass is senile. Dassit. I can't take no more from you. The time to bow out gracefully has passed. This is career suicide. Girl just pick a symbol and start going by The Artist Formerly Known As Kimberly. 

I bid you adieu.

Natasha Marie

05 September 2014

New Music: Bobby Shmurda – Hot N*gga (Remix)(feat. Chris Brown, Fabolous, Yo Gotti, Jadakiss, & Busta Rhymes)

Bobby Shmurda is arguably one of the hottest artists out right now (or "Hot N*gga" is a hot song, depending on how you look at it). Anyway, he enlists the help of a heap of artists for the official remix. Check it out below.
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